Hi everyone, I have learned with time that every race has a life lesson for me. And this race was about personal growth and development AND that is a continual process.
This last Sunday I ran a half marathon, and some of you may be thinking – yea yea nothing new for her. But, if you’ve read my other posts, you know, my training has been subpar to say the least.
I signed up for the RnRSA Half as a way to make myself be active after having the baby. I figured 4 months postpartum “I’m good, I’ve trained for a half in 7 weeks before” (totally different circumstance). My body is still recovering from having a baby. I could feel it on my training runs (some may call it a jog).
Anyway, for the last weeks I have been doubting myself. For the first weeks I was barely making 1 or 2 training runs a week. The last 3 weeks I realized that if I wanted to be able to do it I needed to get out there and run. Besides going on the runs really help clear my head.
My last training run, Dec 1, I ran for 90ish minutes and a distance of about 5 miles. That’s the longest I had ran this training. And all the negative self talk just kept adding up. My mind would not stop, “you’re going to be in so much pain” “You should have trained better” “you should have started lifting again.” – my heart said “you got this.”
I got out there and my body was doing great – so great that I was scared of burning out and having to walk. I kept trying to pace myself and eventually I did have to walk. I don’t exactly remember how much I actually walked as I did the walk/jog strategy.
Ultimately my goal was to finish, and I did. (30 mins faster than my Garmin watch predicted – yay) My slowest race yet at 3hrs and 3 mins.
Here’s the kicker, guys, this run was not about a time (though I love to PR) it was about healing and recognizing a part of me that i have long forgotten and stuffed down my throat. The universe had a plan as to why I needed to be where I was.
As I am waiting for the race to start, stuffed in corral 6, originally I was suppose to be in corral 1, had I trained properly. A man nearby starts talking and I realize it’s a Dad (in his 60s) with his daughter. Then another family comes nearby where I am. Another Dad talking to his kids (50ish, kids maybe 20ish) and I think to myself it would be nice to do this with my Dad.
My dad, was not a bad man but growing up he was an alcoholic/workaholic – so he never attended any of my school or sport events. As an adult he has done somewhat better and we have talked about some deep spiritual stuff lately – but he still missed my most important graduation ceremony. I didn’t expect him to, since he attended the other two. And I didn’t realize how much it hurt till now.
At the end of my hardest race, mentally, I was hoping he would be there (I literally text him the day of the race at 7am, so that was my bad, I was in serious denial about the race I barely told anyone lol – avoidance much?). I was hoping all of my family would be there and at the end. I had no one, no smiling face greeting me, no saying you did!
My husband, bless his heart, was taking care of the kids. I finally get to area where all the runners are meeting family, drinking their very deserved beer and I get a call. My husband, calls me to tell me they are waiting for me at the parking lot about half mile away. My heart was crushed. Not because he couldn’t be there but because those feelings of being alone and abandoned were there. Loud and clear. And while I have certainly overcame them in the past. I needed the reminder that healing is a cyclical process.
We face the same challenges repeatedly and may wonder WHY, why does this keep happening? We face them, when were ready to move to the next level, so we can learn a deeper lesson and heal deeper. Truly recognize that pain. Because as I write, I realize that there is still so much more to this story.
So much more pain and not just from my dad “abandoning” me but others too. It is not that they are really abandoning me and not there in some way for me because in most instances “they” have been there for me in other ways. This had lead to me believe “fine I don’t need anyone I can do it ALL BY MYSELF.” And trust me I have been very successful in “doing it all by myself.”
This race made me realize WHY Quality Time, is my love language (you can find out yours here). Why, my inner child, craves Quality Time? Because I don’t want to do it all by myself. I want to share this journey, this life and everything in between with those I love, with those I have yet to meet… with everyone.
Now I see how this passion of mine, to be a Career & Life coach, helps fills that need. I love to spending time with others, hear their story, their triumph their their pain and empower them to face their fears and chase their dreams.
Thank you for reading and allowing me to share my story and work through my pain; to remember the why of my own passions. Because I am definitely ready to get to the NEXT LEVEL.